I think I already knew the ending...
So, I am at home now, almost brings me to tears, in fact, it does. Alright, i'll say it...
There are so many memories of megan and I in this house, it hurts to even look around and see my room. It was depressing to drive back home. Not much to look forward to other than seeing friends, and that means alot, but just not the same. It hurts. Damn it hurts.
My greatest fear in life is to be suficated. Its like i am feeling it right now. Sufficated from being able to any type of breath without a thought of the past. I prayed the majority of the way home. Prayed for God to help me. To protect me from the feelings that will pry away at me while i'm at home. Can't stop thinking of how all could be different if the way we had worked things out from the beginning. There were problems that we could have fixed and in result, few problems would have occured in the future. So what can i say about this...
I learned much from our relationship. I can honestly say that I think I already knew the ending of our relationship was near before even getting to it. Kind of like how a great movie can be spoiled by someone telling you the ending before you go to see it. It sucks to sit through and watch something that you already know what is going to happen in the end. Yeah, I felt like the ending was spoiled for me. Now don't get me wrong, there are some movies that everyone could still enjoy even if they already know the ending. I mean, why do some people watch the same movie 100 times and are able to quote every line from it...Because it is just that good. However, couldn't enjoy much of my 'movie' since there were so many issues already showing and leading up to what the ending was going to look like. Flat out ugly. How can I say this crap??? There is always the hope...(slim chance of hope)...that there could be a sequal. Many 'movies' have trilogies or go on forever...like Halloween....bad example for this illustration, i know. The question is, would i go to the sequal. Well, if the producers ever decided to make a sequal and allow for it to happen, I would have to re-evaluate what my feelings were for the original feature film. Did I enjoy it? Yes, there were many things that were great. There were also bad parts where I would cover my eyes and wait for someone to tell me when the bad parts were over. The good out-weighed the bad...thats for sure. The way the original film ended, gave me the definite feeling that there could never be a sequal. Although, I was praying that there could be one at first, kind of like how when a great movie ends, just wish they would make more of them so you could embrace yourself for another amazing journey. For example...The Lord Of The Rings...If they made 15 more adventures with all of the characters, you better believe that I'd be first in line to watch the sequals...
Now, for a huge question to be asked that should have been addressed earlier...what genre was this movie? Was it romantic? I know neither of us could be that much, I tried, yet seemed to be a failure in someone's eyes. Was it an action packed thriller? Yeah it was. It was a combination of many genres. If I had to compare this film to an actual movie, I would say that it was like the movie Sweet November. A love story that to where I was brought in, like Keanu Reeves, for a new 'flavor of the month'. Except, this month was kinda drawn out for a bit longer, say 3 1/2 years...Anywho, In Sweet November, the main character, Charlize Theron brings in a new lover each month and makes him a better person by the end of his month. I feel exactly like that...except i don't know how I am a better person...Actually, I'm thinking that the ending of the movie is how my movie ended...with a quick jolt...Keanu's character loses the one girl that changes him and makes him actually love someone. He loses her and never finds her again. Thats how I feel. Just as Keanu had been left alone in the park, I have been left in the park and can't seem to find the one that I had once loved.
Enough of all of this, dang....
...I think I just needed to vent all of that out...sorry.
Sometimes I feel better after venting like this...I think I do feel a little better. I mean, the whole point of this blog thing is for me to express how I feel and in turn, maybe get some feedback from people that could and would help...
Just know that I am safely saying that I know I am getting over megan, just not as fast as I wish i could. Just want to be able to be ready to move on. Can't figure out how to advance this process. Wish there was some pill I could take and make it all go away.
Anyone out there have any ideas?
There are so many memories of megan and I in this house, it hurts to even look around and see my room. It was depressing to drive back home. Not much to look forward to other than seeing friends, and that means alot, but just not the same. It hurts. Damn it hurts.
My greatest fear in life is to be suficated. Its like i am feeling it right now. Sufficated from being able to any type of breath without a thought of the past. I prayed the majority of the way home. Prayed for God to help me. To protect me from the feelings that will pry away at me while i'm at home. Can't stop thinking of how all could be different if the way we had worked things out from the beginning. There were problems that we could have fixed and in result, few problems would have occured in the future. So what can i say about this...
I learned much from our relationship. I can honestly say that I think I already knew the ending of our relationship was near before even getting to it. Kind of like how a great movie can be spoiled by someone telling you the ending before you go to see it. It sucks to sit through and watch something that you already know what is going to happen in the end. Yeah, I felt like the ending was spoiled for me. Now don't get me wrong, there are some movies that everyone could still enjoy even if they already know the ending. I mean, why do some people watch the same movie 100 times and are able to quote every line from it...Because it is just that good. However, couldn't enjoy much of my 'movie' since there were so many issues already showing and leading up to what the ending was going to look like. Flat out ugly. How can I say this crap??? There is always the hope...(slim chance of hope)...that there could be a sequal. Many 'movies' have trilogies or go on forever...like Halloween....bad example for this illustration, i know. The question is, would i go to the sequal. Well, if the producers ever decided to make a sequal and allow for it to happen, I would have to re-evaluate what my feelings were for the original feature film. Did I enjoy it? Yes, there were many things that were great. There were also bad parts where I would cover my eyes and wait for someone to tell me when the bad parts were over. The good out-weighed the bad...thats for sure. The way the original film ended, gave me the definite feeling that there could never be a sequal. Although, I was praying that there could be one at first, kind of like how when a great movie ends, just wish they would make more of them so you could embrace yourself for another amazing journey. For example...The Lord Of The Rings...If they made 15 more adventures with all of the characters, you better believe that I'd be first in line to watch the sequals...
Now, for a huge question to be asked that should have been addressed earlier...what genre was this movie? Was it romantic? I know neither of us could be that much, I tried, yet seemed to be a failure in someone's eyes. Was it an action packed thriller? Yeah it was. It was a combination of many genres. If I had to compare this film to an actual movie, I would say that it was like the movie Sweet November. A love story that to where I was brought in, like Keanu Reeves, for a new 'flavor of the month'. Except, this month was kinda drawn out for a bit longer, say 3 1/2 years...Anywho, In Sweet November, the main character, Charlize Theron brings in a new lover each month and makes him a better person by the end of his month. I feel exactly like that...except i don't know how I am a better person...Actually, I'm thinking that the ending of the movie is how my movie ended...with a quick jolt...Keanu's character loses the one girl that changes him and makes him actually love someone. He loses her and never finds her again. Thats how I feel. Just as Keanu had been left alone in the park, I have been left in the park and can't seem to find the one that I had once loved.
Enough of all of this, dang....
...I think I just needed to vent all of that out...sorry.
Sometimes I feel better after venting like this...I think I do feel a little better. I mean, the whole point of this blog thing is for me to express how I feel and in turn, maybe get some feedback from people that could and would help...
Just know that I am safely saying that I know I am getting over megan, just not as fast as I wish i could. Just want to be able to be ready to move on. Can't figure out how to advance this process. Wish there was some pill I could take and make it all go away.
Anyone out there have any ideas?
posted by Josh at 1:30 AM
3 Comments:
Dashboard's "jaded music"
Letting yourself grieve
Allowing yourself to laugh
Remembering the good times
Applying what you learn
Traveling
Appreciating God's beauty
Praying
Ben & Jerry's One Sweet Whirrled (mmmm)
You know it takes time and she will always be a part of who you are. That is just how relationships work. Don't force yourself to "get over it" because it makes everyone else feel better. Confide in trustworthy* friends.
I think that's all I've got for now.
I still have that presription for my ankle! :o)
You know, maybe that's not the way it went at all...i mean about the whole flavor of the month thing. Yes, there are some people that are like that, but 3 1/2 years was a long time, so i really don't think it was like that at all!
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