Fall

Now, based on the title of this blog, i'm sure you are thinking, "way to go captain obvious, we all know it is fall outside, it is fricken 40 degrees outside" but to your dissmay, "Fall" is but a metaphor of what I have been feeling lately.

I've fallen and I can't get up.
(now that could have been a catchy title...)
Seriously though...
Since the early part of the summer, I feel like i've just fallen down into a deep hole where I am unable to make any headway of climbing out. I sit here and thing to myself where did it all begin?....when did i fall?...or did I sink?...have I been standing over a sink-hole?...I have come to the conclusion that the root of this has directly effected the way I think, eat, sleep, work, live, and express myself. I sit here thinking of how much I have changed since living here in lincoln over the summer, actually, I've been here since last fall since I never moved back after last school year. Could it be that I've had too much of Lincoln?...I feel the need to go and leave it all, leave it all behind, only to come visit and then ween myself from the never-ending hole in the ground that I've called home for the past 4 years...
Perhaps its not Lincoln itself, but something inside of it that has caused me to be like this. I look at what I've been doing since the beginning of the summer and I think we all know where I'm about to head w/ this...where was I for the first half of the summer?...on the road...only taking away 5 or 10 years of my life that I won't ever get back due to the stress and torture I put my body through...now don't get me wrong, what I did was well worth it, but the stretch that I am in right now w/ what I am doing, is simply filling the sink-hole with water...well what do ya know, I can't swim! What will be my lifesaver?...what will dry up the water and fill the hole with something solid so I may climb out?...i've fallen and I can't get up...

i'm still stuck on wanting to look at myself for a day and see if i act the way others see me acting...I need someone else's shoes to walk in for just one day, then i'll get to see it all...see how I act and how I have acted by looking to see where my feet have walked in the past...

Fall. Thats what i've done. i've taken a fall...lets pray I'll hit something soft soon, cause lets be honest, when something that is fragile hits rock bottome, it will shatter into a million pieces...who knows, maybe hitting bottom will only make be tougher for the next Fall....

an update

its been quite awhile since I've updated....here is whats been going on in my life:

-9-2-05 Vball trip #1 Destination: Monmouth College
For starters we (us super fans) took Ross's cooker up to Monmouth so we could tailgate and cook out. On our way up there, I got a call from Super Dave, who was riding w/ Ross, who was pulling the cooker, "uh, squeaky, you need to come back here, we lost a wheel from the cooker"...now when he said wheel, I thought, no way, but yes way, the wheel and rim fell off...so after searching for a bit using our cell phones as flashlights, we couldn't find the wheel and therefor called the cops. The cop called the biggest redneck in the state of IL. the guys gut hung out so far and could see his man-boobs through his cut up t-shirt that probly had never been washed. Anyways, we got the cooker taken care of and cooked out the next day in Monmouth.

-Labor Day- Cardinals vs. Cubs! Destination: Busch Stadium
Labor Day included SuperDave and myself venturing our way down to St. Louis to watch the Cards take care of the Cubs...and they did. Our seats were great...directly behind home plate, nose bleed section, but could see the whole field, it was beautiful! Got to see Puljos hit a homerun! was sweet! on the way back, in the parking garage, my power-steering decided it wasn't gonna work, and after a few minutes and a few Cardinal fans later, my car miraculously worked!...see God does love Cardinal Fans...

-9-8-05 to 9-10-05 Vball trip #2 Destination: Springfield, MO
A trip to Springfield Mo to cheer for the Angels included a trip to the Promise Land: Lamberts! It was wonderful. All of us guys that went down slept in the bus and had a great time hangn' out. Oh Lamberts was amazing, did I mention that??

-9-16-05 Vball trip #3 Destination: Lansing, MI
This trip was special, being 6 hours away, we told the girls we couldn't go since it was so far away and we just couldn't do it. So what did we do, we surprised them! We left here about an hour or so after they did, camped out in the bus again and came in during the girls' first game cheering from the hallway. The 6 hour drived that turned into 7 hours was well worth it when we saw all of thier faces. It was great! Wouldn't trade that moment for anything.

-9-18-05 Church
I played bass in the worship team. This was the first time I've played in a band for nearly a year. It was great, especially the type of music we did and just how loud we could be. It was a blessing to be plugged in there. I hope there are many times to come for me to play.

-9-19-05 Today
Today I'm dealing with many things in my head. Got lots on the mind. Internship is coming up and don't have any place nailed down yet. Work is changing, not for the bad, and not for the good, just changing around some. back home is not going the best, don't understand how things have come to this. There are other things that I don't understand. Sometimes I'll sit here and think to myself what do others see me as. What if I could just watch myself for one day and see what I'm like from a different point of view. Am I really like the way I think I am? Am I the one that is blind about seeing what I'm truly like? I'd love to walk a mile in someone else's shoes, cause then I'd look at the footprints I've left behind and see what the heck I've stepped in.