Florida

well, i don't know where to start about what happened on week-of-e this year.
I don't plan on sharing every detail of the trip on here or you would be reading a novel...many things happened and it was awsome!!!

Here is a brief recap of the trip...reply back for more info or call me or simply ask...

Roofed a house, dry-walled 2 houses, put in windows, made many relationships with the caravaners, God blessed us with 2 different groups giving us money, was burried alive in the sand while i was given breasts with a shell bro (not a bra, but a bro, for men)...visited Tampa, proposed to someone on the trip and had the time of my life.

God truely blessed this trip and I have intentions of returning to Florida again next year to work for Habitat for Humanity.

so much has happened

I leave for Florida in 19 hours and 45 min. It is going to be great. Words cannot describe everything I am feeling about this trip. God has been moving in some awsome ways with what is going to happen. For example, today I got an e-mail from the director of Habitat in Brooksville, Florida, telling me all of the work that we were to do next week was done by a group this past week. This meant that there would be no work for us going down there. So...long story short, we are going to be working in Dade City instead of Brooksville, no biggy, just 45 miles out of the way....

Tonight Oaty stopped by here. It was nice to see him. Reminds me of how things change, since he is at UIS and not up here at all, I miss those old days when I'd hear him rappn' a new song he wrote or him yelling at someone for a random reason, those were the days.

I went to a concert tonight, EverstaysRed and Fusebox. Both bands were great. I got to meet their road manager and got to talk to the lead singers from both about possibly being on the soundtrack for Reality Trip. Speaking of that, things are going great with it. Very busy but yet things are going amazingly over in the office. Our only setback is Dr. Knopp right now. Him being out of commission with his surgery and all. I miss him being in the office with his quick lil sayings that he has for stuff. Untill he gets to come back, we get to put up with Todd's "woo-hoo".....don't ask, there are multiple meanins for the term "woo-hoo"....rather funny if you ask me. I heard that a professor today made the comment that if Dr. Knopp loses his sight in the one eye, we are going to have to change our name to WorldViewEye instead of WorldViewEyes. I found it very offensive and have lost a little respect for that prof. Its not funny to joke about something so serious. He could lose sight in his eye. That prof will have his coming to him some day.

I'm not for sure what else to say as of now, i'm so tired. So many late nights and long days in the office lately, its been crazy. Just can't wait till this summer. It will be great. I will try to keep this updated over Week-of-E. No promises though. Maybe there will be a coffee house w/ wireless internet....we will see.

Please remember the 10 of us going to Florida. Pray for safety and those we will encounter.

a wedding....

So today i get woken up by my phone, doesn't surprise me, i usually get woken up by someone calling me on every fricken saturday. It is my one day to sleep in and why do people think that they need to call me...a solution!...turning my phone off or to silent mode...but what if its an important call?...they'll leave a voice mail...problem solved...

so tonight i went to cary and danielle's wedding. It was awsome!!! Whenever I'd get married, I want a wedding the way theirs was tonight. It was great. I mean, today marks their 6th year aniversary of dating. Started off with some praise and worship, then all of the guys in the wedding party walked forward and each had a separate piece of danielle's bouquet. They gave it to Cary after each of them described a part of what love was according to the "Love is patient, love is kind..." passage...then the wedding party all came in, a bunch of them in it. the usual part of the ceremony took place, a lil video of pics of them growing up, they then lit the candle and hugged their parents, cary tripped up the steps going back up and turned around and did the 'superstar' thing, twas funny then they kissed, they both did the 'superstar' thing and then everyone made their way out. I stood in the back and caught up w/ a good friend John that i hadn't seen in quite awhile. The reception was great, got to eat strawberries from a chocolate fondoo fountain...it was nice, i didn't dance, didn't feel like embaracing myself, i mean, come on, i can't dance but really wouldn't mind figuring out how to move like theres no tomorrow. Why can't it just be easy and natural for everyone? Oh well, did get to see quite a few people that I had not seen in a really long time, so that was nice. Also got to see Lucas P., he is they guy that after his testimony, i decided it was time for me to be a Christian, 5 years ago. Wish I kept in touch with some of those guys more often. In fact, i'm gonna make it a goal to keep contact with them. Almost all of the guys I got to visit with tonight will somehow be involved in ministry later in life. Its good to know that all of us that came from that same youth group over 5 years ago are gonna be involved in ministry in some way or another. Just excites me.
Anyways, its time for bed, I will be very busy tomorrow, it is Lucas' last sunday at church, greg g., going out to eat w/ john, and have to be on the road by 2:30 for lab at uis. Very frustrated I can't stay to visit more with these people, gosh i miss all of them so much.

From Chris Graebe to Lucas Motley...from Reality TV to my real life...

I know, I know, its been a fricken week since i've posted anything, but hey, i've been busy, and besides, "if i'm important, people will wait..." right?...no?...sorry, twas a quote in a recent movie i saw...
So, since last week, lets see, no, ben did not come w/ megan to church...talked to megan at church and finally got my Scattergories back!!!! yeah for me....I saw my buddies, jeremy and luke, twas fun times.... everything is a go for the thing this summer for WorldViewEyes.....Reality Trip:"searching for truth on the open road" for more info go to www.realitytrip.org It will be amazing needless to say, although it is causing stress, but as if everything else doesn't.....gosh, i realized tonight after visiting w/ a dear friend that i am just involved in too much stuff and am an over-achiever...i dunno, just have a big heart for many things i think and am passionate about many things too...
Anyways, where was I?....
Ah, yes, since last week, Chris Graebe, (a Christian that was on MTV's Road Rules: South Pacific & Battle of the Sexes 2) was at LCC this past week. He came to speak at true fellowship and at a local church, and helped speak to us at worldvieweyes about our thing...Reality Trip. He is actually gonna be helping us with some stuff with it. It was crazy to actually see someone that has been on MTV....He is a cool cat, very nice and funny to be around. Him being at LCC totally consumed my life this week, many meetings, and shooting video stuff w/ him. It was very fun though. It finally set in though that all of this was really happening...the whole summer trip and all...a reality tv show....its a blessing to be a part of it and a dream come true...i can't wait!
lets see, what else is going on...ah yes, Lucas Motley...
The youth minister at my home church...well former youth minister of my church...tuesday will be his last day. It is a sad time, but yet joyful as well. Although I never new lucas while at LCC, I got to know him as a friend, mentor, and hero (had to through hero in there, to break up the mood...sorry) but in all seriousness, he is a great guy and I wish him the best of luck in his new ministry. its really funny, cause i know we'll cross paths again in ministry, just know it, that feeling that you get when you say, 'yep, gonna be seeing him later on in life, gotta keep in touch w/ that guy'....just know that he has taught me so much not jsut in ministry, but in life, and has been there for me through some of the hardest parts of my relationship w/ megan. Just wish that it wasn't so real that this sunday is his last one here. Just don't want to think about how when i now come home on the weekends, there is one less person to go hang out w/ or visit. my reasons for coming home are quickly fading away, i mean other than seeing my family and visiting laura and all of my other 2 friends that would be home on the weekends, not much of anything else worth coming back for....now don't get me wrong, i want to see my family...(part of it)...and see my friends, just not that thing...called a girlfriend to come back to....and plus fewer people to really hang out w/ on the weekends, so what happens when they are all busy?...no point of me being here. but back to lucas, yeah, he is done this tuesday, not cool by any means, he has done so much for the church here, i mean, i understand his reasoning behind leaving and i don't blaim him, he is a talented guy and will be benefiting the Kingdom of God in his new ministry. my real life, much like how reality tv goes, has its ups and downs, and there are those times of conflicts too, it rather sucks at times too...but hey, thats life....
There is another thing to look forward to though....9 COLLEGE STUDENTS, 1 SUNNY STATE OF FLORIDA, AND A WEEK TO DO MINISTRY....a lil' thing i like to call....week-of-e....things are going so well to plan for this trip, it shall be a thing of beauty, it will be a break from everything for me too, no meetings, no work, other than the work for habitat for humanity, just no office work, no homework, no worries, just a great time in florida....who knows, maybe i'll get a tan on my legs that are being used as glow sticks cause they are so fricken white, along w/ the rest of my body, not gonna lie, i need a tan.......if anyone needs a flash-light, give me a call, cause all i'd have to do is shine my chest in your direction, its embarrising, i'm so white....anyways, i'm not going down there for jsut the tan, gonna be doing minsitry and stuff too! can't wait, there will be a novel on here following my trip...and if i get a chance, i'll be sure to call everyone i know while i'm watching a beautiful sunset on the white sanded beaches of florida...
as i end this entry, I have realized yet again that change sucks, things in life go by so fast, i've missed so much of it already. So many things change and progress in life that it sucks that i haven't had time to enjoy it lately.....so much in a weeks time has happened....i've come to realize that in life, if its not one thing, its another, and if its not those other things, its still that one thing that i first mentioned....i'm outa here, and hope everyone has a good weekend...peace, i'm outa here

"Be Cool"...I'm a dentist...

While sitting around for my car to be ready last night i began thinking of how in the world i was going to get there to pick it up when it was ready. I felt like barfing all over the place when i realized that there was no one at home to take me to get my car. I thought, oh, no problem, i'll call goody up and have him help me out. I called his house, him mom answered, said he wasn't there. I called his cell, no answer, i left a message. I was freaking out...what if he never called me back...my only option that i could think of was to call up megan, why?...cause she would be there for me...or at least i was hoping so...needless to say, i stressed out too much and luke called me back...he was my savior for the evening. He took me down to get my car and all of that stress and everything to find out that my car wasn't ready yet. Not until saturday morning would it be ready. I was a little ticked, but whatever it took to get my car fixed. So it was Goody's Taxi/Male escort service to the rescue...although i only used his taxi services, i'll leave the male escorting to someone else...

We ended up going to see Be Cool after talking over our Taco Bell for nearly 2 hours. To make a really long story short, we wanted to go find kenny to see if he wanted to go along with us. Give everyone one guess where he was...yeah, where he usually is if he isn't at home or church...megan's...well we drove by there and he was walking out as we drove by and so we stopped. he said he'd go, and well i got to see megan..well a glimpse of her as she walked from her house to her car. It really started to get to me. Knowing that she was in town and to just be able to see her, oh it was killing me....didn't want it to be weird...but it already was, at least for me it was. So, Be Cool...funny, The Rock as a gay body-guard was funny, and John Travolta with Umma Thurman...who could ask for anything more...it was funny, not much plot to it though, jsut a bunch of big stars with little parts. Before the movie even started, luke and i were talking in his explorer. He flat out told me how he felt about megan and i's relationship and told me how i changed over the past 3 1/2 years...well actually, just when i started to go out w/ megan he said i changed. I know i changed and i feel bad for the way i pushed my friends off during that time. It came to me that he was telling me what i wanted to hear...right?...no, he was telling me what i needed to hear, or so i think...I just know that after the movie, i came home and starred at my phone for 20 minutes. Thinking about how i was tired of it being weird and wondering if my scategories game was at her house.

I did it.
I called her.
We talked for a good 1 1/2 hours. We fought some, had a few laughs. Found out that Ben was in town again. (now for those of you who don't know what has been going on, i'll fill you in w/ the basics: Ben was megan's ex before me...he caused a bunch of problems in our relationship because megan still wanted to be friends w/ him and this bothered me...i mean, hello..he was her ex...why would she wnat to still be friends with the way he had treated her?...anyways, over this past christmas break, she wanted to hang out with him really bad..i said no...(yeah, i was being a jerk, but w/ reason and if anyone wants to differ, bring it)...so, needless to say, he had been asking her over and over for a good month i guess, wanting to know if she broke up w/ me yet and said that she'll never do it...this gives me reason to believe that in all reality, she never really got over him cause i didn't allow her to, to a point...and them talking during our relationship the way they did...wasn't cool...i mean he called her at midnight one night over break, thinking i was going to already be gone...not cool man, seems like they were playing me out behind my back...and i learned that they talked a bunch right after megan broke up with me...well why not, any guy w/ a pair would realize that she would need a rebound...there is the recap..now where was i)...so ben was in town, he was jsut in town like 3 weeks ago and he goes to school somewhere out in kansas, not a short trip...and was gonna be in town again next weekend cause his spring break starts...so why would he come in town this weekend...hm.......duh, obvious, so megan was very open about how she thinks they will get back together, it hurt to hear it, but i just hope the lucky bastard is ready for what is coming to him. I mean, i just know that talking to her for awhile helped me some..in a way...told her that i wanted to be friends and not to make it weird anymore...when i mentioned about going to get my scategories game, she was like well i babysit all day saturday and won't be home till late...well she could have come out and said it from the beginning instead of hinting around it...she would be going out w/ ben that night, just as she did that night...however, she went to his house...and this frustrates me even more...cause it wasn't like megan to just come over to my house, i had to beg for her to ever come over here to my house, of course i kinda understand since...well my house isn't anything to be proud of, but you know what, after 3 1/2 years, you'd think that wouldn't be an issue w/ someone...anyways...i asked if i could come over after church to get it and she was like, well, i dunno cause ben might be going to church w/ her........WHAT THE...COMING TO THE ONLY PLACE I COULD FEEL A LITTLE MORE SECURE FROM ALL OF THIS...i didn't say anything, just know that he has his own church, why should he come to ours...thats great if he does for the right reasons and well...lets just say, i don't think so....megan really wanted him to come though, i could hear it in her voice...we'll see though...his exscuse for not possibly coming was to get back to school to watch some NCAA bball games...high priorities...let me tell you...well, all in all, we talked and had it out at times about how others tell us just what we want to hear, cause anyone we have talked to will just agree with us and make the other out to be the bad guy. Just know that there is not much hope for me around here in hannibal, especially w/ anyone megan has talked to, since they know what they now know...cause at one point i went off the deep end, i can explain later if your interested...with that information, it really hinders my character...i mean, what was i supposed to do, we had been going out for 3 1/2 years!!!! just be okay w/ it all and go on w/ my life perfectly fine...no, i don't think so...needless to say, yeah i had cried a bit, it hurt, but it was more of an accomplished feel good hurt...hard to explain, just felt good to actually talk to her...hope we can still be freinds, i mean, seems like i was at least the bigger person to extend that hand and try to mend up what was all shot to hell just 2 months ago....
moving on...
i went to get my car this morning, it sounded 100 times better and i then went on to the dredded dentist office....(evil mysterious music)
i told the dentist that my wisdom teeth had been causing some pain recently, the dentist told me that i have my wisdom teeth...I though...REALLY.....wow, glad he has his degree in dentistry and not in verifying the obvious...I also have a small cavity in one of my teeth in the front...i'll comment more on all of this later on...
i mean, i have said alot...i'm sorry for the long blog, but hope you understand, lots on the mind.
i'll post again later today, i'm sure of it...

I think I already knew the ending...

So, I am at home now, almost brings me to tears, in fact, it does. Alright, i'll say it...
There are so many memories of megan and I in this house, it hurts to even look around and see my room. It was depressing to drive back home. Not much to look forward to other than seeing friends, and that means alot, but just not the same. It hurts. Damn it hurts.
My greatest fear in life is to be suficated. Its like i am feeling it right now. Sufficated from being able to any type of breath without a thought of the past. I prayed the majority of the way home. Prayed for God to help me. To protect me from the feelings that will pry away at me while i'm at home. Can't stop thinking of how all could be different if the way we had worked things out from the beginning. There were problems that we could have fixed and in result, few problems would have occured in the future. So what can i say about this...
I learned much from our relationship. I can honestly say that I think I already knew the ending of our relationship was near before even getting to it. Kind of like how a great movie can be spoiled by someone telling you the ending before you go to see it. It sucks to sit through and watch something that you already know what is going to happen in the end. Yeah, I felt like the ending was spoiled for me. Now don't get me wrong, there are some movies that everyone could still enjoy even if they already know the ending. I mean, why do some people watch the same movie 100 times and are able to quote every line from it...Because it is just that good. However, couldn't enjoy much of my 'movie' since there were so many issues already showing and leading up to what the ending was going to look like. Flat out ugly. How can I say this crap??? There is always the hope...(slim chance of hope)...that there could be a sequal. Many 'movies' have trilogies or go on forever...like Halloween....bad example for this illustration, i know. The question is, would i go to the sequal. Well, if the producers ever decided to make a sequal and allow for it to happen, I would have to re-evaluate what my feelings were for the original feature film. Did I enjoy it? Yes, there were many things that were great. There were also bad parts where I would cover my eyes and wait for someone to tell me when the bad parts were over. The good out-weighed the bad...thats for sure. The way the original film ended, gave me the definite feeling that there could never be a sequal. Although, I was praying that there could be one at first, kind of like how when a great movie ends, just wish they would make more of them so you could embrace yourself for another amazing journey. For example...The Lord Of The Rings...If they made 15 more adventures with all of the characters, you better believe that I'd be first in line to watch the sequals...
Now, for a huge question to be asked that should have been addressed earlier...what genre was this movie? Was it romantic? I know neither of us could be that much, I tried, yet seemed to be a failure in someone's eyes. Was it an action packed thriller? Yeah it was. It was a combination of many genres. If I had to compare this film to an actual movie, I would say that it was like the movie Sweet November. A love story that to where I was brought in, like Keanu Reeves, for a new 'flavor of the month'. Except, this month was kinda drawn out for a bit longer, say 3 1/2 years...Anywho, In Sweet November, the main character, Charlize Theron brings in a new lover each month and makes him a better person by the end of his month. I feel exactly like that...except i don't know how I am a better person...Actually, I'm thinking that the ending of the movie is how my movie ended...with a quick jolt...Keanu's character loses the one girl that changes him and makes him actually love someone. He loses her and never finds her again. Thats how I feel. Just as Keanu had been left alone in the park, I have been left in the park and can't seem to find the one that I had once loved.

Enough of all of this, dang....
...I think I just needed to vent all of that out...sorry.
Sometimes I feel better after venting like this...I think I do feel a little better. I mean, the whole point of this blog thing is for me to express how I feel and in turn, maybe get some feedback from people that could and would help...
Just know that I am safely saying that I know I am getting over megan, just not as fast as I wish i could. Just want to be able to be ready to move on. Can't figure out how to advance this process. Wish there was some pill I could take and make it all go away.
Anyone out there have any ideas?

So, I'm not for sure how to title this entry...My head seems to be spinning with so much going on.

Just got off of the phone with a great friend of mine. We actually dated for a bit, i had lived in here house for about a week and we had become neighbors....all within about 6 months of knowing each other. I owe her and her family a huge THANK YOU for what they have done for me and my family. If it was not for them, the divorce of my parents would not have been possible. I say that with true heart and really do thank them for what they did.

My parents being divorced, thats an issue to talk about...if we had a week or two to talk about it all...so much went on...so much hurting...so many tears...wow, 8 years ago my parents got divorced over christmas break my 8th grade year. So many thoughts spin through my head when i start to remember everything that happened. I don't know how to describe it. Feel confused. Hopeless. Knowing that the chances of someone going through a divorce later on in life nearly tripple once experiencing one with their own parents. I fear that. I fear divorce and pray no one ever has to go through it. Its bad. Just to think that I am at a higher risk of getting a divorce than getting diagnosed with cancer scares me, personally, i'll take the cancer. Enough of this.

Like i was saying, feels good to talk to an old friend, talked to another buddy of mine last night that i graduated with from high school. He is getting married next weekend. It will be nice to see everyone that will be back for it.

Weddings are awsome...food....wedding cake...bunch of food...all for free...and oh the fun...can't wait...

While i was living out today, I slept till noon....why?...cause i stayed up to watch the funniest movie ever, next to dumb and dumber....SUPPER TROOPERS!!!....oh, it was amazing...I also got that tire changed...tires are expensive. and to reflect back onto that sermon illustration...some things are expensive in life and we have to sacrifices in order to continue on in life (or be able to fricken drive around)...

I am leaving tonight to go home. Gonna hang out with my sister some this weekend, already told myself that. Haven't really been all that close till i moved out of the house, been kinda nice to be honest, to be closer. Should be a fun weekend, gonna visit some friends, try to avoid seeing megan. It hurts to think or talk about her still, especially after she started to just talk to me on-line last night...i know i'll run into her for sure at church though. Thinking that I am gonna make an attempt to make very casual conversation...i dunno, we'll see...

Excited to come back to school sunday and everyone be back...gonna make an ihop trip i think sunday night...it shall be fun...Until late Sunday night, everyone have a good one...

I still live here, right?

Ah yes my life continues as no one else is around on campus to live it with me.
Many things on the mind since my last blog, and wow, it was only this past monday night, and i'm sure i'll update this again later on tonight with other thoughts that have managed to skip my mind through this evening. Well, the one thing that should be mentioned first is the heat. I'm in the dorm tuesday morning and i realize that i could almost see my breath in my room when i woke up. Yeah, i realize that I was the only one on the floor, but does the heat need to be turned off still? I still live here.....why can't the heat stay on for the one living soul on F2....I have paid for that heat, now keep it on....they have yet to turn it up.....or on for that matter...

Anyways....this huge project for this summer for work is going to be amazing. I mean, i've personally have talked to an MTV producer. That was very cool! I'm excited and everyone else should be too for how big of a ministering tool this could be. I understand there will be many hours going into it all and the final product will show that.

Randomly changing my thoughts...
I went to Todd and Bethany's last night, they cooked Adam and I a great meal. Nice to have a homecooked meal instead of my Ramen noodles. We played Nerts until midnightish...Nerts is a card game, and those of you who don't know how to play, ask and I'll show you and we'll have tons of fun.

Last night was tough though, couldn't go to sleep. There have been little thoughts of megan and i going on in the back of my head. There are times that it still hurts to think about it all. Just weird to think that i thought i had spent 3 1/2 years with someone that i could eventually see myself with forever...and just like that, it was all over. Starting over=change change=good starting over=good.............or at least i'm trying to force myself to think that. I am excited at least to be able to branch out and meet new people. Should be interesting. I know that going home this weekend will be hard. Hoping that guys are at home to hang out with. It will be the first weekend where I know that I have nothing to do and could still potentially run into megan at any moment in town.....yeah, that part sucks the most, being from the same church, same town, just knowing that we will still run into each other and be facing reality that the other is moving on and how are lives are drifting apart. Enough of this...

As I reflect back on the whole idea of change that is going on in my life, I have realized that there are other things that are materialistic that must be changed in order to go on in life....for example, as i was leaving the dorms tonight to go get some McDonald's.....mmmmmm...double cheese burgers.........my mouth was watering.....i noticed that my front passenger tire looked funny, as i got closer to it, there they were....little metal wires looking like they were held in captivity by the rubber and wanted to escape as soon as the next pot-hole came along. I decided it would be best to order pizza and just stay put till tomorrow morning when i could go get a used tire. A tire must be changed in order to go on. Thus, I could turn this in to a sweet sermon illustration (providing that i'll ever preach someday) about how one must change things in life or replace some things in order to continue on the road of life. If anyone would even think of using that for a sermon.......its cool w/ me.....So yeah, change.....so much of it and seems like no time to realize the change that occures in my life. I must relax and eat my beloved pizza, mmmmm.......papa johns special.....